Gaining from giving
“Give...
Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness, linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and will create connections with the people around you.”
New Economics Foundation 2008
People ask whether giving can be altruistic. I don't know, but I think it doesn't have to be: it's great to gain from giving. In 2008, the New Economics Foundation (NEF) reviewed more than 400 scientific papers to identify the ‘5 ways to wellbeing’: Connect, Be active, Take notice, Keep learning and Give. These 5 ways became central to the community wellbeing projects I later managed, and what we found supported the NEFs findings. This blog post is mainly about one of the 5 ways: ‘Give’. Evidence suggests that reciprocity and ‘giving back’ to others has long-term benefit to wellbeing for all ages.
If you are drowning under problems or depressed, the '5 ways to wellbeing' might seem too big an ask, and perhaps ‘Give’ seems especially unlikely in such circumstances. An NEF blog post last year about the 5 ways to wellbeing during the time of Covid, acknowledges “wellbeing is only possible after basic needs are met. Wider structural changes need to happen to ensure people’s incomes, homes and lives are secure during this time. Until this happens, many won’t be able to even begin to think about things like ‘Five Ways to Wellbeing’”. I agree. In survival mode, we have to focus on meeting immediate, urgent or basic needs.
On the other hand, I have also, throughout my career, worked with many individuals who, despite ongoing overwhelming material and psychological obstacles, including people fully and understandably in ‘survival mode’, were able to offer something to others and benefit from it. As well as improved wellbeing, ‘giving’ resulted in outcomes that helped practically with problems too.
Please do not interpret this post as a judgmental: “if they could do it what’s your excuse?” or an insensitive “the solution to your problems is stop wallowing and think about others for a change” (although if this is motivational for you, roll with it!). Every individual, situation, and combination of factors is different and even for the same individual there will be times in their lives when they have some capacity to give and times when it is not possible or even actively unhelpful. I also have worked with people who are so consumed with other people's needs that they cannot meet (or even identify) their own needs, and this type of giving – often more reactive than reflectively and consciously chosen – is not what is intended by the NEF’s ‘give’. This post isn’t about encouraging martyrdom or putting pressure on anyone. Sometimes you need to say ‘give me some space, world, I need some time to sort out some things for myself’. As one of my transformational coaching clients put it recently, there are circumstances when you need to put your own air mask on before attending to others.
The purpose of the post is more to raise awareness (with a non-judgemental, curious tone) of ‘giving’ as a valid strategy for wellbeing that I think is often overlooked. We often categorise giving as 'for others' benefit', but I think it's important to recognise that it can be 'for me' too. This strategy is there for you when you are ready to take a moment to reflect on the factors relevant to you, and make a conscious choice about what, if anything, you can offer, whether small or big, that might enhance life for others as well as yourself (whilst also acknowledging that we can’t always predict the outcomes in advance).
I want to share some of my experiences with people who, perhaps surprisingly given the circumstances, made 'giving' work for them as a way to wellbeing. Working with women who experienced violence, trafficking and ongoing trauma, I witnessed the scale of ongoing complicated practical, logistical and emotional issues they had to deal with, as well as continuing chaos and threat. Despite this, one of the women, in the middle of all this, became involved with community activities linked to her son’s school. She wrote an article about how transformative it was for her to be part of something, to create something as part of a team, that benefited others. It gave her a source of positivity, focus, and a sense of herself as resourceful and effective. She published that article in a magazine she produced collaboratively with and for other women with similar experiences of violence. Many of her collaborators surprised themselves with their ability to produce this magazine, bringing some benefit to their readers in the midst of everything they were still going through, and it brought them among other things, clarity, positivity, motivation, and, friends.
Later, working in community development and adult social services, I collaborated with people with many complex, interacting problems, and obstacles at every corner. Although many were in fact ‘giving’ a lot by supporting their friends or family, it was less of a conscious and proactive choice, and felt to them more reactionary, like firefighting. They were burdened by overwhelming practical and psychological challenges. Nothing was easy. The focus was on just floating or swimming and avoiding being sunk. One community member had not left his room in a year; others had long term debilitating physical and mental health conditions; and as individuals and collectively, their access to resources was low. However, in several separate projects in different regions, people came together, identified their individual and community needs and assets, and developed projects to improve wellbeing at a community level. For many, their identity shifted to being someone with needs and things to offer too. And as they became more integrated in their communities, they found solutions to their problems: a support network, and access to information and resources. Coming up with and implementing solutions in their communities also gave some people an insight into how to apply similar thinking in their own lives.
Only they could decide what, when, how and how much they could contribute, based on their own individual circumstances and attributes at that time, but taking the time to reflect on this meant often they could offer more than they thought. Of course things weren't always easy with ongoing situations in life, and sometimes they disappeared for a while, but once part of something it was easier to come back and pick things up again once things had settled down a little. 'Giving’ was helpful to them in ways they didn’t expect. They found purpose. They found a way to increase their own wellbeing. All of this supports research studies and conclusions of wellbeing reviews conducted by organisations such as NEF.
It’s easy to see how ‘giving’ can give you a warm glow, friendship, a sense of achievement and create opportunities or generate resources that you can use in your life. Thinking about my psychological and coaching training I can see how ‘giving’ helps the giver beyond this:
1: distance - The beauty of ‘Give’ is that by turning your attention away from your problems you might just give yourself the space you need to be able to return to them with more clarity. With less of the weight of your own baggage you are able to positively and creatively help others, and then, while still in that mindset you can turn back to yourself.
2: positivity - I’ve written before about how a positive frame of mind enables creative problem solving and increases resilience. If ‘Give’ increases wellbeing, which both the research evidence and my experience says it can do, giving may help you to obtain that positive frame of mind which can then support you to creatively and resiliently solve your problems.
We use distance and positivity in transformational coaching too.
If you are drowning in your situation you cannot see what is positive or possible. You are so immersed in your problems that you are in survival mode or fire-fighting. Sometimes this is absolutely necessary – all energy needs to be focused on survival. Other times there is room for possibility and positivity but you are not in the mindset to see it. You lose sight of yourself within the overwhelming burden of the situation. Using the transformational coaching method I look for the person within the situation: as your coach when I am listening to you I am focused more on how you as an individual are experiencing the situation than the situation itself. I use the coaching method to help elevate you out of the situation, expand your mind and ease you in to a mindset where you can begin to see what is possible. Then you start to be able to access the internal resources and solutions yourself. I've written before (on instagram and my blog) about strengthening connections for particular brain pathways: going through this process several times will start to make it easier and you will eventually be able to do it without a coach. The aim of this coaching method is learning.
Through coaching, people also start to understand about emotional and psychological strategies that work for them. Giving might be a way to tap into some of yours.
Things to think about
- What have you got to offer (skill, interest, knowledge, time, possessions, resources, physical or mental attributes)?
- What needs do you see around you? Is there anything, small or large that you could do to meet any part of that need?
- What opportunities for giving are there – is there something already happening you take part in?
- If things are tough at the moment, are there any ‘easy gives’? What is easy for you to offer that might make a difference to others?
- If you were to give more right now, what positive difference might it bring for you?
- Don’t feel guilty if you can’t give right now. ‘Giving’ will be waiting for you when the time and circumstances are right.
Huppert F (2008) Psychological well-being: evidence regarding its causes and its consequences (London: Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project 2008)
Lyubomirsky S, Sheldon KM, Schkade D (2005) ‘Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change’ Review of General Psychology 9: 111–131
https://neweconomics.org/
