6 ways to cope with failure (and fear of failure)
…So that you can get out there & do things that matter to you…
Image from unsplash by Adam Walker
Failure. Just the word makes my stomach clench a little. The thought of failure can be uncomfortable to the point of scary, and can stop us from doing the things that we want to do – including things that really matter.
One example of ‘something that matters’ that has been occupying my thoughts this year is the polluted River Wye and its eco-system. That’s why my husband, Mark, and I undertook our ‘Wye Adventure’ - raising awareness and funds to support the ongoing efforts by passionate people and organisations to restore and protect the river, in particular the Friends of the River Wye and the citizen scientists. Mark’s main role in the adventure was to attempt to run the 136 mile Wye Valley Walk faster than the current Fastest Known Time. Mine has been to talk to changemakers and investigate the research. Together we are trying to understand more about what helps changemakers and adventurers to take on big challenges, and what supports their resilience and endurance to ride the ups and downs along the way (and what we can borrow to help us with the ups and downs of ordinary life too!). We also held a community event, together with the Chepstow Harriers (who generously sponsored the event), Chepstow Town Council, and lots of passionate individuals and organisations, on the weekend of Mark’s ultramarathon attempt, celebrating adventure, running, wildlife and the River Wye.
I want to again thank everyone who has been involved with the Wye Adventure so far.
As part of this adventure, Mark and I have held two webinars. The second was after the ultramarathon attempt, and given that Mark did not achieve his ‘A goal’ of beating the Fastest Known Time (FKT) , we decided to make ‘failure’ the focus, including:
Fear of failure;
Coping in that moment when you realise that achieving your goal seems unlikely;
and coping with failure if or when it happens.
The River Wye
Here are a few of the points that came up (you can access the recording to hear more of the conversation here):
1. Setting ABCDE goals
Mark has been using this strategy for a long time now (although until this latest adventure just ‘A,B & C’ goals were usually enough!). These were his ABCDE goals for the Wye Adventure:
A – Smash the FKT by 10 hours, completing 136 miles in 32 hours and get a full night’s sleep before work.
B – ‘Just’ beat the FKT
C – Run 100 miles for the first time
D – Run his furthest ever distance (anything over 84 miles)
E – Enjoy the experience, particularly running through the night
This multi-layered approach to goal-setting adds in flexibility that helps manage fear of failure when taking on a big challenge, keeping you motivated when things aren’t going well (for instance if your A or B goals become endangered, you still have a few more letters up for grabs), and increases the likelihood that you’ll have something to celebrate, regardless of the curveballs that come your way. Mark realised at a certain point during the FKT attempt that goals A & B were at risk, but he still had goals C, D & E to play for.
When Mark realised his FKT goal was at risk, how did he have the endurance to keep going through the long, cold night?
2. Having a broader vision
Quite often although we have influence, we do not have control over the final outcome. If your goal is a time stamp, binary yes / no, ‘succeed or fail’ type goal, and it’s not fully within your control, reducing the whole experience down to this goal can limit you, and could inadvertently risk your motivation, your success, your enjoyment and your opportunities for growth and resilience-building. Paying attention to the broader experience can help here. In Mark’s case, there were many things built into the FKT attempt that were beyond the actual finish time or even outside of the running event itself, that could have long-term positive outcomes, and that were within his influence or control, such as: gaining experience and developing himself as a runner (and more generally); building relationships and connections in the local running community; raising awareness for the River Wye; raising funds for the River Wye; connecting with the natural world; learning about resilience theories. It may not be immediately obvious what else could be wrapped up in the experience of your challenge, but it might be worth thinking about that while you prepare. If your goal doesn’t work out, retrospectively scrabbling for reasons why it wasn’t all a waste of time can feel like a disappointing consolation prize. On the other hand, if you build a richness into the experience and treat these other factors as genuine parts of the goal from the beginning, they will feel like genuine wins at the end – and may also build your resources and make your ‘finish line’ goal more likely too.
Mark at the start of the Wye Valley trail
3. Going public
It can be tempting to keep your goals a secret to avoid what you imagine would be the humiliation of potential failure. On the other hand, in both webinars, Mark spoke about his strategy of going public with his goals to add some accountability and boost his motivation. Another way that going public can increase your chances of success is that if people know about your goals, they can help you – and Mark certainly received a lot of support with this adventure. The other side of this is that if things don’t work out, telling people means you can increase your chances of a more ‘successful’ failure too. Failure experts say that learning from your failure is a key part of being able to use the experience to become more resilient rather than being brought down by it. And sharing your failure (some of this research comes from people literally standing on stage to talk about their failures), seems to be a way to increase the likelihood of learning, bonding with others, collaborations and going on to have more success. The experience of sharing is also often more enjoyable and less shameful than people imagine. In contrast, avoiding telling people can actually increase feelings of shame that can eat away at you, and lead to withdrawal and isolation from another hugely important factor in our resilience: our support network. As Mark discovered, being open about the goals from the beginning and including people in the journey (Mark literally had a public tracker for the ultramarathon attempt) meant that the transition to opening up when he didn’t achieve his FKT was a lot easier. Of course Mark went a bit OTT with publicising his goal because we were using it to raise awareness and funds for the River Wye, but even just telling a few trusted people can be a positive thing.
Going public with your goals, your successes and failures can help build your resources & resilience - although that doesn’t have to mean holding a big community event!
4. Questioning the perception of failure
Often, failure is not as bad as we imagine it to be when we are battling with the fear of taking on a challenge. In Mark’s case, for the purpose of the webinar we spoke about his so-called ‘failure’ for not achieving the FKT attempt, but in reality (or at least in our perception of reality) he was hugely successful. He ran a phenomenal 100 miles for the first time in his life (overcoming huge challenges), had an awesome experience, built connections in the community, gave us a hook around which to build a fantastic community event, raising funds and awareness for the River Wye. We know of at least one family that were inspired to sign up as citizen scientists, several people that are thinking more about making more river-friendly eating choices (eg less chicken, and more of it organic – even if you live nowhere near the Wye because 95% of the chicken we eat comes from intensive poultry units, many of which are in the Wye Valley and a large cause of the upset in the river ecosystem), people became more informed about the situation, made connections with other interested people, and the outcomes will continue to develop. When he walked (staggered) into that community event, a roomful of people clapped and cheered him, and so many people have offered him words of support and appreciation. Not bad for ‘failure’.
5. Paying attention to any emotional fall-out
However, the point above doesn’t mean that we’re casual about failure. It’s not always going to be so delightful. It can have a devastating impact on you and others. When the co-founder of the Failure Institute failed in her social enterprise, alongside the consequences for herself, she carried the weight of responsibility to the women in poverty that she’d been trying to help. So, she emphasises a responsibility to learn from our failures, and to recognise the fall-out – without shame or judgement. This is why she prefers that we ‘fail mindfully’ rather the Silicon Valley approach of ‘fail fast’, and this is also why she facilitates opportunities for people to share their failures. When there are real consequences, including real feelings, brushing it under the carpet doesn’t help. Research, for example with failed business-owners, showed that as well as the financial and practical fall-out from failure, there can be serious emotional consequences including grief, and serious physical consequences on the body as a result of the stress. But they also showed that although people might make attempts to cope with the practical or financial consequences, they don’t tend to employ coping strategies for the emotional and physical consequences. By ignoring the emotional fall-out, you risk making it worse, and causing harm to your body too. More than this, research also shows that un-processed grief or frustration can affect your ability to learn from your failure, use it to grow resilience and get ready to go again. But in the midst of it, it can be hard to identify and act on what will help you, and for this reason it might be a good idea to think about it in advance. What can you put in place now to support yourself emotionally through the ups and downs, or in case things end badly? Of course, one of the most obvious things is a good support network - and being willing to open up to your support network.
A rainbow over the Wye Valley
6. Developing this skill: self-compassion
There is growing research about the value of developing the skill of self-compassion, for many reasons, including, coping with failure. I’m calling it a skill because it is something that can become easier and more effective with practice. Compassion, including self-compassion, is like mindfulness because it is non-judgemental. It’s neither self-pitying nor self-promoting, it’s simply acknowledging and accepting with kindness and understanding, and also involves seeing yourself / the situation from the perspective of the common experience of humanity.
Research findings have associated self-compassion with:
Less fear of failure
Better emotional regulation
Increased ability to learn and develop resilience from failure
Better coping strategies for failure
More intrinsic motivation (which research suggests is linked more to resilience, satisfaction and fulfilment compared to extrinsic motivation).
Retaining confidence in your ability even if things didn’t work out
Lower anxiety levels
And when you respond to your failure or perceived failure with compassion, there is no need to deny, repress, or avoid your feelings—so the feelings can be acknowledged, accepted, processed, and allowed to pass more easily.
If you are interested in finding out more about self-compassion, this is the theme for the next Rest & Digest: a free online 30-minute relaxation and learning session on Tuesday 10th December, 12:30pm UK time.
If you’re afraid of ‘failing’ it, it might just be important enough to be worth doing…
The more confidence you have in your ability to cope with failure, the less reason you have to fear it, and the more able you are to get out there and do things that matter, to be a changemaker, to go on adventures. And through this you create more opportunities that help you to build resilience and grow your experience, support network and resources, increasing the possibilities for what you can achieve. Having said that, perhaps all we’re really trying to do is get the fear to a tolerable enough level that we can move forward alongside it, rather than eliminate it completely. When something matters to you, when you care about it, when it’s challenging you, a certain amount of fear might be inevitable, and some people say its presence is an indicator that what they are about to attempt is worth doing.
What do you think of these ideas? Will you try any of them? Do you have any to add? Comment below or send me an email.
If you want any help to cope with or prepare for the exciting possibility of doing something worth failing, to take on a challenge, to live more adventurously or make a difference in the world – in any large or small way - get in touch: christina.transformational@gmail.com
